Wed, 20 Jan 2010 06:56:17 +0000

My mother leaned on this method in her pro football weekly picks contest (with a surprising degree of success) and, inspired by a post somewhere that mentioned this method, I decided as an homage to her to predict winners of games in the NBA, NFL, NHL and college basketball based on this expert analytical method:

WHOSE MASCOT WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT?

NBA:

Toronto Raptors at Cleveland Cavaliers. A Cavalier would last maybe three seconds against a carnivorous Raptor. Pick: Toronto

Indiana Pacers at Miami Heat. This one is a little more difficult. How much Heat are we talking about here? Are we talking about a warm room? A fire? A volcano? A slightly warmed down comforter? A Pacer's chance of survival is a matter of what he's up against: He burns to death in a fire, but a warm pancake isn't going to phase the man who determines how fast whatever it is he is pacing is going to go.

We must turn to the team's original logo for the answer. The logo features a flaming basketball. However, that by itself does not answer the question: A stationary flaming basketball or one moving slowly enough to be dodged or eventually doused isn't going to vanquish a Pacer, whereas one moving at meteoric speed right at the Pacer will eliminate him easily.

Eventually, we have to side with the inanimate production of energy, simply because its uncertain form makes too unpredictable an enemy for the otherwise one-dimensional Pacer: Pick: Miami

NHL:

Tampa Bay Lightning at New York Rangers. Lightning can never be defeated, but can kill in an instant with an accurate blow to the crown of a Ranger, especially if that Mark Messier looking loser is wearing his metal helmet. Pick: Tampa Bay

Columbus Blue Jackets at Philadelphia Flyers. A Civil War era soldier may have better weaponry, but the Flyer can... well, fly. The trump card comes in the fact that the Blue Jacket has a musket, and I don't care how well you can fly. You take some buckshot in the gut and you're gone. Pick: Columbus

Detroit Red Wings at Washington Capitals. Originally named for the Winged Wheelers that owner James E Norris was a part of in Montreal, the Red Wings may not be a city like the Capitals, but they sure as hell can run everyone over and eventually get out of their cars and take control. Pick: Detroit

Toronto Maple Leafs vs Atlanta Thrashers. Know why Toronto's the worst team in the NHL? Because a damn leaf off a maple tree can't beat anything in a fight. Duh. Pick: Atlanta

Chicago Blackhawks at Ottawa Senators. Aboriginal warriors in a fight with blue blood politicians. Right. Pick: Chicago

New York Islanders at Pittsburgh Penguins. It's dinner time on the Island! Who wants poultry? Pick: New York

Buffalo Sabres at Anaheim Ducks. No really, who wants poultry? Pick: Buffalo

San Jose Sharks at Los Angeles Kings. If this fight were in the Shark Tank, the King would be dead meat. Because the Shark is on land and in the Kings' house, game over. Pick: Los Angeles

NCAA Basketball:

Northwestern Wildcats at Ohio State Buckeyes. The Buckeye tree is mahogany, 15-25 feet tall, and impervious to the claws and teeth of a Wildcat, but if falling could kill that stupid cat in a heartbeat. Pick: Ohio State

Clemson Tigers at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. A tiger can maybe sway a wasp or two, but a hundred of the little buggers should be able to sting the big cat to death. Pick: Georgia Tech

Albany Great Danes at Boston University Terriers. A great dane fighting with a terrier. Right. Pick: Albany

Chicago State Cougars at Eastern Kentucky Colonels. Whether you're talking about the violent feline cougars or the fortysomething MILF cougars, an elderly colonel is no match for either one. Pick: Chicago State

George Mason Patriots at Hofstra Pride. Pride is a mental concept and a sin, so in essense the George Mason Patriots are at war with themselves, their own egos, their own hubris. And if Jim Larranaga has anything to say about it (and history shows he definitely does), his Patriots shall overcome. Pick: George Mason

Tennessee Volunteers at Alabama Crimson Tide. While a group of unknowing Volunteers stand around wondering what exactly constitutes a crimson tide, a herd of elephants answers their questions in a violent stampede. Pick: Alabama

Hartford Hawks at Vermont Catamounts. A catamount is a form of cougar. That Hawk can fly around and peck/claw away all day, but that lion's going to get his jaws on him eventually. Pick: Vermont

Longwood Lancers at Maryland Terrapins. A terrapin is a turtle. Yes, a turtle. A lancer can poke at that sucker all day but he'll just... well... turtle, and none of the blows will have any effect. The lancer will eventually stab at the ground in anger, snap his lance in half and end up impaling himself. Dumb lancer: No wonder your team's 3-14. Pick: Maryland

Oklahoma Sooners at Texas A&M Aggies. 19th century settlers of Oklahoma vs folks generally predispositioned to agriculture. The settlers are a bit more battle hardened from a long journey as well as a perceived need to kill Native Americans and take their land. The Aggies may have pitchforks, but the Sooners know how to use them. Boomer Sooner... and GIT OFF MAH LAND. Pick: Oklahoma

Indiana State Sycamores vs Missouri State Bears. Bears run into the same problems as the wildcats above when it comes to trees, but the Platanus Occidentalis are even bigger, growing up to 100-130 feet in size. Yeah, good luck with that, Grizz. Pick: Indiana State

Purdue Boilermakers at Illinois Fighting Illini. Let's see, fighting (and likely armed) Native Americans vs trained craftsmen who make steel fabrications. Uh huh. Pick: Illinois

Boston College Eagles at Miami-Fla Hurricanes. Gale force winds in a storm hundreds of miles wide. A bird. Pick: Miami-Fla

Northern Iowa Panthers at Wichita State Shockers. I'm SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I tell you. When Panthers get shocked, I hear they just get angrier and tear you up more quickly. But honestly, the nickname Shocker is short for Wheatshocker, a euphemism for students who harvested fields for pocket money. Yeah, they stand a chance against Panthers. Pick: Northern Iowa

San Diego State Aztecs vs Utah Utes. Now here's a tough question. Which Native tribe would win in a fight? The Aztecs invade as far north as they've ever gone, into colder, more mountainous Northern Ute territory. Ute history shows that their only military successes came when they allied (ill-advisedly) with the U.S. in wars against the Navajo and Apache during the 1860's. Their biggest solo effort? The Meeker Massacre. And the eventual loss of most of their land. A look at the history books, however, show that those Aztecs knew how to kick some ass. Pick: San Diego State

Release of Mascot Challenge Football Game iPhone Application Provides a New Way for Fans to Support Their Favorite Mascot

MCLEAN, Va.–(BUSINESS WIRE)– The top eight vote-getters in this year’s Capital One National Mascot of the Year contest have advanced to the playoffs. More than 3 million votes were cast to decide the final eight contenders, consisting of TCU’s Superfrog, Navy’s Bill the Goat, Maryland’s Testudo, Cincinnati’s Bearcat, Miami’s Sebastian, Western Kentucky’s Big Red, South Dakota State’s Jack Rabbit, and Wisconsin’s Bucky Badger. The playoffs take place over the next four weeks, with the winner being announced on January 1, 2010 during the Capital One Bowl at 1pm on ABC.

“We’re proud of all our All-Americans who have campaigned hard throughout the regular season in a very tight race,” said Steve Schooff at Capital One. “Now that the playoffs have begun, we expect the battle to become fierce and the claws to come out as the Capital One National Mascot of the Year title is on the line.”

To mark the start of the playoffs, Capital One has released a first-of-its-kind iPhone application that allows fans to pit mascots against each other in a football game reminiscent of the classic vibrating tabletop games. The Mascot Football Challenge application allows players to choose a mascot, an opponent, and even a stadium style as they take to the field. Players can place the iPhone on a desk or table and activate the silent vibrate function to invoke the nostalgia of the classic version of the game. The application also links to the Capital One Mascot Challenge Web site, offering an easy way for fans to vote for their favorite mascot as the playoffs heat up. Football fans can download and play the new application for free on iTunes beginning the week of November 16th.

“The Mascot Football Challenge iPhone application is a great way for fans to enjoy the spirit of the mascot competition and support their favorite mascot throughout the playoffs season,” said Schooff.

Week One of the Playoffs (November 16-22) pits TCU’s Superfrog (#1) against Wisconsin’s Bucky Badger (#8), Navy’s Bill the Goat (#2) against South Dakota State’s Jack Rabbit (#7), Maryland’s Testudo (#3) against Western Kentucky State’s Big Red (#6) and Cincinnati’s Bearcat (#4) against Miami’s Sebastian.

Last summer, 12 lovable characters were named to the Eighth Annual Capital One All-America Mascot Team, and have been embroiled in a fierce competition to be named Capital One National Mascot of the Year. Since August 31st, fans have come out in force casting their vote for best beast at www.capitalonebowl.com.

The Final Regular Season Standings

1.

TCU – Superfrog

2.

United States Naval Academy – Bill the Goat

3.

University of Maryland – Testudo the Turtle

4.

University of Cincinnati – Bearcat

5.

University of Miami – Sebastian the Ibis

6.

Western Kentucky University – Big Red

7.

South Dakota State University – Jack Rabbit

8.

University of Wisconsin – Bucky Badger

9.

Louisiana State University – Mike the Tiger

10.

University of Georgia – Hairy Dawg

11.

Washington State University – Butch T. Cougar

12.

University of Oklahoma – Boomer

This year’s fuzzy crew was chosen from Division IA and IAA athletic programs with college football teams. They made the squad after being ranked on mascot musts such as interaction with fans, originality and pedigree. The panel of judges included mascot guru and historian, Dr. Roy Yarbrough, and representatives Capital One.

Since 2002, Capital One has helped shine the spotlight on these unsung heroes of the college gridiron. The Capital One All-America Mascot Team members star in a national advertising campaign, participate in photo shoots and entertain fans in online videos. In addition to the hoopla, each mascot receives $5,000 for its school’s mascot program. The Capital One National Mascot of the Year receives an additional $15,000 scholarship to help fund its school’s mascot program.

About Capital One

Capital One Financial Corporation (www.capitalone.com) is a financial holding company whose subsidiaries, which include Capital One, N.A. and Capital One Bank (USA), N. A., had $114.5 billion in deposits and $209.7 billion in total managed assets outstanding as of September 30, 2009. Headquartered in McLean, Virginia, Capital One offers a broad spectrum of financial products and services to consumers, small businesses and commercial clients. Capital One, N.A. has approximately 1,000 branch locations primarily in New York, New Jersey, Texas, Louisiana, Maryland, Virginia, and the District of Columbia. A Fortune 500 company, Capital One trades on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol “COF” and is included in the S&P 100 index.

Photos/Multimedia Gallery Available: http://www.businesswire.com/cgi-bin/mmg.cgi?eid=6103484&lang=en